Day Six - Candle Light Vigil

Today was day six of the AIDS Life Cycle.  Our route was Lompoc to Ventura.  We were told it would be 85 miles, but I hear we actually road 90 plus miles.  Don’t know if that is true or not.  At times it felt it.

I did ride today and I did finish.  Yolanda and I headed out at 7:15a.m. this morning and rolled into Ventura at 6:15p.m.  We traveled along some of the most beautiful areas and saw some pretty amazing sites.

However, I don’t really want to write about the ride this evening.  Instead I want to tell you about the candle light vigil that took place this evening.  The candle light vigil is to honor those we’ve lost to AIDS.   I’ve heard about it and saw pictures of it from last year’s ride, but the pictures don’t really do it justice.  You have to see it to believe it.

Around 8:30p.m. all 2500 riders, roadies, staff, and visiting loved ones formed a procession and walked out to the beach, just a few feet from our camp.  Each person was holding a lit candle.  No words were needed as we formed a huge circle on the beach.

It took some time for the circle to form which actually consisted of several rows of people.  So picture a circle within a circle.  The glow of the candles was enough to light the way, but green glow sticks were strung out along the path.  The glow of the candles and the green glow sticks was a beautiful sight.

No words were needed as people stood or sat on the beach and took time to remember there loved ones.  So I sat with my friends James, Gayla, Kelly, and my sister Yolanda.  I thought of Chris.  I remembered when we were younger and we would play what ever game his imagination came up with.  I remembered the times when my other sister Teresa and I would be Chris’ back up singers as he belted out songs.  I remembered all the times he was there for me and how much he meant to me.  As I sat there in the sand next to my friends and family I remembered all the times he wasn’t there because he died of AIDS.

A few tears came, but no real crying.  I just sat there looking at the flame from my candle flicker around from the wind.  I could hear the waves from the ocean as they came up on shore and the wind was surprisingly calm.  Remotely I could hear the soft sniffles others made as they too mourned the loss of their loved ones.  Eventually, one by one we stood up to take our candle to the water’s edge and dowse the flame.

The waves were rolling in and as they caressed the shore people would place the candle in the water.  I stood there with my candle for many minutes just watching the waves roll in and out.  Both Chris and I loved the beach, to watch the waves roaring in.  So as I stood there gazing out into the distance the memories started crashing around me much like the waves.  I bend down to dowse the flame of my candle and it wouldn’t go out.  I laughed and as I looked up to the sky said…”you just don’t want to go out, do you.”  As I tried again, the tears really started.  I’m more of a silent crier so I doubt anyone knew.  But as I finally put out the flame my shoes got wet in the process and I started to laugh.  Kelly was near me and she laughed as well.  As she hugged me the tears really started and I just held on.   It took a few moments to compose myself, but when I was able to talk I said…”it just never gets easier.”  The tears started again and Kelly once again held me.  Eventually I was able to compose myself again.  As we walked back with the others, Kelly’s arm around me she told me she could see this was going to become a new tradition for us.  I heartily agreed.

Yolanda still had her candle lit and decided she wanted to sit on the beach until the flame went out on its own.  I decided to sit with her as well.  We sat on the beach for awhile.  At first no words were spoken.  We were both in our own thoughts, dealing with our grief in our own way.  Eventually, Yolanda asked me to tell her about my favorite memory of Chris.  I told her my favorite memory was when he took me out to my first bar.  It was a gay bar and as we stood around playing pool a girl started chatting with me.  I remember Chris coming over and gently pulling me away and telling the girl I was unavailable.  I didn’t know much back then and didn’t realize the girl was trying to pick me up.  I remember laughing as Chris had to explain it to me.  I thought she was just being nice.

I miss my brother, but by riding with the ALC, by sharing stories of my brother, and becoming part of this incredible community I feel I got a part of him back.

Tomorrow is our final day.  We will be traveling 65 miles to reach Los Angeles.  So this will be my final blog.  I can’t tell you how much this has meant to me.  The comments I’ve received to my posts have meant more to me than I can say.  The words of encouragement and support I’ve gotten have giving me the energy to keep pushing my pedals when I felt I couldn’t.  So thank you, from the bottom, the sides, and the top of my heart.

I can’t wait until I roll into LA.

Comments

[Merri Bea]

You are so awesome!
Thank you for sharing your experience with your words. <3

[Nancy]

Thank you so much for sharing your observation, comments, and most of all your feelings. Though I don't know anyone touched by AIDS, this whole trip has moved me beyond words, and I appreciate all you've done.
warmly, Nancy, mother of another rider.

[Shirl Scott]

Aloha Annette,
I have to admit I felt really cheated that you didn't post on day four! I was even worried that you had fallen or hurt yourself!

You sure made up for it on the Candlelight though! You took me right there! And right there is where I needed to be! Mahalo!

It has to be hard now to have the ride ending, but you have made a huge effort doing this and so many people are forever grateful!

Mahalo!
Shirl

[Jaime Merrifield]

Thank you so much for your blog. Love, Jaime

[Nilou Yadegar]

thanks so much for your blog. i have been reading your comments every night and followed your path and thoughts. my son was among the riders and this is how i was able to share the experience through your notes. thanks for your ride and support of this incredible cause. congratulations for finishing the week.

[Jessica]

I'm so god damned proud of you.